These photos were also posted on Flickr, as well as in several Instagram posts.
WEEK 03 CLASS EXPRESSION
ON MINDFULNESS: This week’s adventure turned out to be a beautiful lesson centred on one of Jon Kabat-Zin’s nine attitudinal foundations of mindfulness: the practice of letting go. To LET GO and LET BE.
“Letting go is a way of simply accepting things as they are. Let your experience be what it is and practice observing it from moment to moment. Sometimes things end, and sometimes people end.” - Kain Ramsay, from his Udemy course, Mindfulness Practitioner Diploma.
ARTIFACT 3.1 > VIDEO > Gunnar privat gmail. “Jon Kabat-Zinn Mindfulness 9 attitudes - letting go.” YouTube, 26 Jun 2013.
Arriving at the North end of the Burns Bog Nature Reserve, our walk saw us leave the parking lot and head down one of the reserve’s main trailheads only to find it cut off by localized flooding in parts of the park following heavy rain over the weekend. Ross and several students examined, poked, and prodded the possibilities for an alternative path around the flooded one, but found nothing that would allow everyone to pass. It was soon clear that it was time to let go of this particular plan for today.
Letting Go is also a topic explored by David R Hawkins in his book of the same name.
WEEK 03 SUBVERSIVE SELFIE PROJECT POSTS
I managed to create three subversive selfie posts this week, on September 20, September 21, as well as on September 23, 2023, as follows…
SEPTEMBER 20, 2023 SUBVERTED SELFIE PROJECT POST
September 20, 2023: I’m so exhausted today. I haven’t had a chance to pick up my two week supply of medicine and probably won’t get time to do it till tomorrow. Yesterday was spent mainly at the hospital as a wound care specialist treated my feet, using special tools like good old fashioned scalpels to cut and scrape away the dead skin and a few calluses on my toes and feet. When she treated my right foot I could see it still bleeds, but she said that’s a good thing as it means the tissues are still being fed by the body. Still healing. One toe had signs of fungus growing and they are going to get me on a cream and medication to treat that starting today or tomorrow. I guess they’re giving me another prescription so it’ll be tomorrow as I don’t go into the hospital till after my class, which I didn’t finish my readings for. So I’m behind but somehow I’ll catch up with it this week. I wanted to get up early and finish it but slept through a dozen alarms I’d set on my iPhone and my Fitbit watch. Fun.
I don’t know if I should take my Tylenol 3. My foots in pain again, but that medication sometimes makes me sleepy and given that I’m already tired as fuck, I figure I shouldn’t take it till tonight. I’m guessing I only have about 10 days left or the daily antibiotic IV regiment left which would be nice to stop to get a bit of my days back. But even last week when they measured my swelling, it showed signs there is still some infection in my system. But it’s healing. The wound specialist gave me a prescription that allowed me to get a second offloading shoe yesterday, so both my feet have them now. The other foot has always been better but pressure on it was still making the smaller wound slower at healing, and she said I probably should have had both feet in offloading shoes from the beginning.
Okay. Time to get up. It’s moments like these when my body is physically wrecked and I fall behind with some of my responsibilities that I just want to stay in bed all day but I have too much to do to fall into that trap again.
(263/365)
SEPTEMBER 21, 2023 SUBVERTED SELFIE PROJECT POST
From September 21, 2023: I tried to post this last night but I’ve been so exhausted & dizzy, with a headache & the feeling like I’m going to lose my lunch, that I tried to just sleep. My mouth trembled with that loose feeling as if it’s getting ready to help my system expel the contents of my stomach, regardless of whether it’s full or not.
I was late for my IV. I’d been chatting with a friend in the morning & at 3:44pm I gripped about my unproductive day by finally not answering her last comment at 12:38pm about maybe having a bite to eat together after my IV with, “I've got nothing done 💔 bleh trying to get grociers now but supposed to be at hospital in 15 m.” I got to the hospital around 4:40pm, & fell asleep during the first IV. The nurse said she had trouble waking me. I told her how I’d been feeling & she said if I was still feeling that way I should head to the ER.
During the second IV, I started sobbing, tears streaming down the sides of my head into my hair, as I lay in a hospital chair that was fully reclined. The nurse was taken aback to find me crying. All I could muster was how sorry I was. They ended up putting me in a wheelchair & took me to my car. The nurse said to sit a bit till I felt well enough to drive. I guess she forgot about the dizziness & exhaustion I’d mentioned earlier.
I lumbered up into my car & basically passed out, sleeping in the drivers seat for over an hour. I woke to 2 or 3 missed calls from my Mum, & several texts from my friend. My last text to her had been sent before I passed out in my car, a long lament about how lonely I’d been, & the recollection of part of a dream I’d had that morning where my mind had created an alternative reality about how I had gotten engaged to my ex a decade ago at the time our relationship was ending in reality. My friend had asked if I wanted to talk on the phone about it, but that terrified me & I simply said “It's ok. I'm in my car now I dunno. Feel so exhausted and still crying 🥺.” I then followed it up with “I’m so stupid.” I But stopped at typing, “I fucking hate myself so much.” Instead, I passed out again.
(264/365)
SEPTEMBER 23, 2023 SUBVERTED SELFIE PROJECT POST
September 23, 2023: I’ve thought a lot about actor Billy Miller, who passed away on Friday, September 15, just two days before his 44th birthday. Initially, there was no indication made in the official statement by the family regarding his cause of death, but it did say that Miller had long been struggling with manic depression.
A few days ago, a second statement was released, this time by Miller's mother, Patricia. I saw it online last night & it revealed that his death was due to suicide following his battle with bipolar depression. Specifically, she described how:
"He fought a long hard valiant battle with bipolar depression for years. He did everything he could to control the disease. He loved his family, his friends, & his fans but in the end the disease won the fight & he surrendered his life."
I didn’t know Miller had suffered.
I did know him from his work on @YoungAndRestlessCBS where he portrayed the character of Billy Abbot from 2008-2014. I had watched the show in the 1990s, as it was on while my Mum made dinner at 5pm every afternoon but I fell away from watching it for over a decade until I came down with pneumonia in the summer of 2010. Miller was a standout, & so many of the stories written for his character allowed him to explore such a wide range of experiences & emotions - including depression after the loss of the character’s oldest daughter. It was impossible not to feel the pain his character was going through because of his powerhouse performance.
He left the show in 2014 & I did my best to follow his career although I never watched him when he became a part of the soap General Hospital.
I sobbed last night when I read his Mother describe how he had lost his battle to manic depression. I think about my own battle with anxiety & major depression & how close I’ve been to losing it all. I just wish it was easier to talk about mental health, in a serious but empathic manner. I still reflect on the few weeks I spent in hospital following my own suicide attempt back in 2021, two years ago this week. It feels like I’ve made some progress but also like I’ve made absolutely none.
(266/365).
END OF WEEK REFLECTION
I found that the passing of actor Billy Miller impacted me a lot more than I thought it would. As I reflected in my September 23 subverted selfie post, I think it was because I didn’t know he had also suffered from mental health issues.
In looking back on the week, I wish I had followed the nurse’s advice and gone to the ER, and not sat in my car for an hour or two. I was just so weak but I also fight this desire not to be a burden on the healthcare system.