3.1. What is Empathy?
Earnshaw defines empathy as “…moving beyond just listening to people, by feeling alongside them,” by representing “…the ability to understand and share the feelings of another person.” She continues, noting how empathy is feeling what it would feel like to be them, while remembering you are separate from them and that they are the ones who feel their feelings. Empathy allows us to be in the other person’s shoes, while still being able to hold onto ourselves. Empathy allows us to be truly responsive with others. When we let our feelings take over, we lose the ability to be empathetic (through mindfulness). It is different from sympathy, as described by Brene Brown in Artifact 02 below.
When life gets stressful it can become difficult to utilize and lean into empathy. Especially when the world feels unstable and uncertain - in times such as COVID or a global economic recession. Earnshaw notes how empathy helps save our relationships, so they can be a safe haven.
You don’t have to agree with someone else to experience and feel empathy.
THE 3 “R”s…
Earnshaw notes how empathy leans into the following concepts, known as the 3 “R”s which represent a baseline for what people want or need in a relationship for it to feel healthy and fulfilling…
RESPONSIVENESS: the quality of reacting quickly and positively. Specifically, the Work-911 website notes how: “Responsiveness, in communication, refers to the degree that what YOU say, responds clearly and directly, to what the other person just said. If you are being responsive, the other person knows you are paying attention, and cares enough about what he or she is talking about to "stay on that topic".”
Earnshaw notes that EMPATHY is a path to RESPONSIVENESS. Responsiveness allows one to be present.
RESPECT: The Cognifit website defines respect as coming: “…from the Latin word “respectus” meaning attention, regard, or consideration. It can be defined as “esteem for or a sense of the worth or excellence of a person, a personal quality or ability, or something considered as a manifestation of a personal quality or ability“. This is a very important component of both personal identity and interpersonal relationships. To feel respected could be considered a basic human right. Disrespect is a very important thing that can lead to break-ups and even violence. The concept also refers to the ability to value and honor another person, even if we do not approve or share everything he or she does. It is accepting the other person and not trying to change them. Our differences are positive because it creates our identity. This means that individual differences exist, but above all to understand that as members of society, we are equal. All people are due respect for the simple fact of being people. Equality is in balance. But it’s also fundamental for oneself since you will value others to the extent that you are able to value yourself.”
RELIABILITY: the quality of being trustworthy or of performing consistently well. The hack spirit website wrote an article describing the traits of someone who is reliable.
Benefits of Empathy…
Earnshaw goes into detail about how empathy can:
decrease stress;
help people feel seen;
increase security;
decrease misunderstanding (we must UNDERSTAND others before we can help others - EMPATHY allows us to treat others how they want to be treated as opposed to how we want to be treated); and
allow for the release of emotions.
Earnshaw also describes many reasons for why someone would want to practice empathy.
The Feeling Wheel…
Earnshaw introduced the concept of THE FEELING WHEEL, as developed by Dr Gloria Wilcox. The All the Feelz website notes how the wheel: “…is a proven visual aid that helps people recognize, talk about, and change their feelings.”
Artifact 01 - Image > Dr. Gloria Wilcox. The Feeling Wheel.
3.2. MY EXPERIENCE WITH EMPATHY
Answer the questions below
WHEN YOU WERE GROWING UP DID YOU FEEL UNDERSTOOD? WHY OR WHY NOT?
I sometimes felt like I was understood growing up. There were times I didn’t know how to express my feelings, and as a result I would suppress my feelings and emotions, thereby remaining quiet. Other times, when I didn’t know how to approach something, I would act out inappropriately, which just made things worse and reinforced the idea that maybe it was better to keep quiet, which as an introvert is something I’m naturally inclined towards anyway.
WHAT WAS YOUR FAMILY'S RELATIONSHIP WITH EMPATHY? WOULD YOU DESCRIBE THEM AS EMPATHETIC?
My Dad was a medical doctor - a physician and surgeon with a family medical practice. I feel for him that medicine was a way of expressing empathy and a desire to help others find relief from physical ailments, pains, and suffering. But in regards to understanding and moving through feelings, I’m not sure he was adept at being empathetic to helping others move through emotional pain and suffering. He faced a lot of adversity in his life, including racism, and being separated from most of his family who were stuck in what became the authoritarian dictatorship of North Korea following the Korean War. He immigrated to Canada in 1952 in hopes of making a better life for himself. But these and other stressors meant he didn’t always handle hurt well, and he struggled with alcohol problems as a result - to bury the pain he likely felt.
My Mom is able to feel more empathically, although she too has seen a lot of hurt stemming from issues with her own family.
WHEN YOU FELT (INSERT FEELING FROM FEELINGS WHEEL IN YOUR WORKBOOK), HOW DID YOUR FAMILY RESPOND?
Today, I speak openly about my own struggles with anxiety and depression but it’s something I know my Mom wouldn’t appreciate. She’s told me directly that for her, issues with mental health are not something one talks about. And I don’t blame her for this, as it’s part of the era she grew up with. But when she reacts this way I do realize that it brings up feelings of uncertainty, or as I mentioned above, even confused about what I felt, and as highlighted by the Feeling Wheel, those moments can leave me feeling discouraged. It can leave me feeling disconnected or lonely, and as also highlighted by the Wheel, inadequate.
HOW HAS THAT INFLUENCED YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH EMPATHY?
I know what it feels like to not be heard, so I try to provide space for others to be heard. But I know I can be quick to jump to judgment, and to trying to fix everything for those I should be listening empathically to.
Resource Videos…
The following are a few videos I found and watched on YouTube related to providing an overview of the topic of listening…
Artifact 02 - Video > RSA. Brené Brown on Empathy. YouTube, 10 Dec 2013.
Artifact 03 - Video > Lifehacker. The Importance of Empathy. YouTube, 3 Feb 2017.
Artifact 04 - Video > TEDx Talks. The Power of Empathy | Helen Reiss. YouTube, 12 Dec 2013.
Artifact 05 - Video > Big Think. Why Empathy is not the Best Way to Care | Paul Bloom. YouTube, 18 Jan 2017.