CLASS INTRODUCTION
This online journal is related to a course on THE ART, SCIENCE, & PRACTICE OF WELLNESS that I enrolled in at Kwantlen Polytechnic University, as taught by Dr. Ross Laird. Of all the discussions, lectures, and talks I’ve seen Dr. Laird give over the years, I think his 2016 TED TALK called BIG PROBLEMS: SMALL WONDER beautifully and succinctly introduces his outlook on life, which he practices as well as he discusses. This talk really hits home at the importance of being in the moment, as a means of being grounded to be open to really noticing what happens in our lives. To put down my devices, and let my body and mind relax.
ARTIFACT 1.1 > VIDEO > TEDx Talks. “Big Problems: Small Wonder | Ross Laird | TEDxBrentwoodCollegeSchool.” YouTube, 18 Nov 2016.
The late Richard Wagamese has become such a powerful mentor to me. His teachings and guidance that he shared with the world lives on through his interviews, speeches, and through his writing. Wagamese’s spiritual teachings are deeply authentic, sharing sacred ground with the ideas found in Buddhism, the writings of Gary Zukav. and in the TEDx talks by individuals such as Dr Laird. Specifically, Wagamese coveys how:
“TRUST IS THE spiritual by-product of innocence. My people say that innocence is more than lack of knowledge and experience, it’s learning to look at the world with wonder. When we do that, we live in a learning way. Trust, the ability to open yourself to teachings, is the gateway for each of us to becoming who we were created to be. All things bear teachings. Teachings are hidden in every leaf and rock. But only when we look at the world with wonder do the teachings reveal themselves, and trust is also the ability to put those teachings to work in our lives. Trust is, in fact, our first act of faith and our first step towards the principle of courage that will guide us.”
- Richard Wagamese, from his book. ONE STORY, ONE SONG
WEEK 01 SUBVERSIVE SELFIE PROJECT POSTS (OHM WORK)
Over the last few years, I’ve maintained a series of self-portrait reflections on Instagram and Flickr, that I’ve called SUBVERTED SELFIE POSTS. The objective behind these posts is to present a more honest and humble reflection on my day to day life. So many people try to carefully curate their social media feeds by presenting a perfect looking portrait of their lives - but I wanted to stop doing that, as the reality is my life has been far from perfect. And that’s not good or bad. It just is. As a result, many of my posts can get a little dark, as they explore my ongoing health issues, including my struggles with:
high blood pressure;
being overweight;
stroke;
type 2 diabetes;
battles with my mental health and wellness including:
anxiety,
binge eating; and
major depression.
To this end, I thought that since I was a late registrant for this class, I’d post my August 15, August 16, and August 30, 2023 subversive selfies, which serve as presenting a nice snapshot as to where my headspace was at the beginning of this semester. In the past, I’ve tried to post these daily, but often I don’t. In fact, I only posted 5 selfies this August.
AUGUST 15, 20203 SUBVERTED SELFIE PROJECT POST
August 15, 2023: I haven’t posted too regularly here but on July 9 I was doing yard work and ended up hosing down several windows and the front porch at my Mom’s. I remember looking down at my feet cushioned in sandals that were soaking wet, to find the skin on my big toes had peeled away. My feet had been very dry as I hadn’t been applying any moisturizer, but needless to say it was concerning.
Since then my left foot has been healing a lot faster but my right foot hasn’t been, in spite of soaking them every other day in an antiseptic and Epson salt rinse, applying extra strength @polysporin and bandaging them up as best I can. But in the last few days I’ve had excruciating pain in the nerves running down my lower right leg, and into the heal of my foot. My Mum was giving me a Tylenol 3 to help me push through but has wanted me to get things checked for awhile now. My doctor is away and the walk in clinic I go to, where my previous doctor works at was booked into next week. So I came to Peace Arch Hospital.
I’ve been here for an hour now. I’m thirsty. My foot aches. The doctor and nurse who checked me in were concerned if my right foot is infected, the infection may have moved into the bones. They also said I should have come in sooner given I’m diabetic. But the one toe on my left foot has been healing well, and I thought the other would catch up with time. I hate coming into the hospital, but the pain is making it hard to sleep, and get work done around my Mom’s house. I thought maybe I was getting a fever last night too, I couldn’t take my temperature as I don’t know where it is… but they took it when I was admitted and he didn’t say I had a fever so maybe that’s passed. They took blood, so we’ll see how bad my blood sugar is, I’ve been having too many baked goods and colas again lately so I suspect it will be high. They also did an ECG and when I was checked in they said he’ll let the doctor decide on whether any x-rays or other imaging was needed. So we’ll see.
(226/365).
AUGUST 16, 2023 SUBVERTED SELFIE PROJECT POST
August 16, 2023: Today, I feel like absolute death, but I can’t fall asleep. I want to write more, but I have absolutely no energy.
(228/365).
AUGUST 30, 2023 SUBVERTED SELFIE PROJECT POST
August 30, 2023: I’ve been hanging low lately. As a result, my days now are filled with sleeping, watching random proclivities recommended to me by YouTube, & driving to & from the hospital for the IV antibiotic & wound therapy treatments which I’ve been getting everyday now since I took myself to the ER on August 14. I’m on a schedule now where I’m to receive these treatments daily until the end of September.
On August 18, I remember breaking down in tears, my whole body shaking in the blue hospital recliner patients sit in during treatments for infections. My voice cracked as I hit myself, loudly declaring what a fucking nightmare of a human being I was, & that I’d been so stupid not to take my health more seriously. And the words of mg Mom echoed in my head, as she’d warn me this could happen if I didn’t look after my feet more carefully than I had been.
You see, the doctor examining my right foot declared that my toe would need amputation within seconds of looking at it. “Look at it, it’s all mush,” she said of the wound to the nurse, prodding at it with some metal tweezers. She wasn’t wrong, my right toe had been a horror to observe for weeks now. Plump & purple from swelling, which also continued from the base of my ankle up into the middle of my lower leg. My nail already looked frightening due to a bad ingrown hangnail I had earlier this year, eventually leading to bleeding that got in under my nail, eventually turning to black.
The head of the unit was alerted to my cries, & did her best to comfort me, telling me it was okay & that they’d do all they could to continue treating the wound.
Since August 14, I’ve been trying to eat better again & following the intermittent fasting & almost keto regimen I adopted upon being released from hospital following my stroke. I’ve watched videos on healing wounds, & added several supplements to help heal the wound and prevent swelling. But I can’t exercise. Or do much work. The doctor I saw on August 23 said to stay off my feet as much as possible, & even said they’d get me a special shoe to help me keep pressure off of the foot so the wound would stop bleeding.
I feel so alone.
(242/365).
END OF WEEK REFLECTION
A LOOK AHEAD: Health wise, this year has been difficult. There are several areas of concern that I have…
A stroke, that my doctor conveyed should have been more damaging to me than my test results showed. This is also tied to my Type 2 Diabetes, and my high blood pressure.
Anxiety and major depression, in short, my mental health, whose laborious sound has dialled up and down in concert with my physical wellbeing. Too often, the depression feeds my isolation and profound feelings of loneliness; while my anxiety leaves me stuck and unable to do anything about any of it.
Diet and exercise, which for me has been a ride closely tied to my mental health and wellbeing. In short, it’s easier to enjoy a healthy diet and cultivating a movement practice when I’m mentally stronger.
I know things have to change. I fear that if I don’t, I won’t be walking this planet much longer.
ARTIFACT 1.5 > DIGITAL PHOTO > Steven H. Lee. “Kira - May 10, 2021.”
Artifact 1.5 is a photo of Kira - my Maltese-Poodle puppy, who turned 11 in April of 2021, so I am aware that she isn’t a puppy anymore. But she is my constant companion, a little creature who gives me a will to live (primarily because I couldn’t imagine anyone else looking after her, so I stay here on this journey for her). When people have seen us together they genuinely describe how they’ve never seen a dog love a human being more than Kira loves me. In recent years, Kira’s companionship has been even more important for me, as she often fills the void I’ve felt from being alone, choosing to isolate myself from other people thanks to my anxiety and feelings of unworthiness. I sometimes sob while hugging her, apologizing to her for not being there for her enough. For not playing with her enough. For not walking her out in nature enough. I sob for letting my depression not only rob her of those kinda things, but for robbing myself of them too.
This page is also available in PDF format.